I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
