he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
