Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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