I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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