My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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