Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
