dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
