Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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