At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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