he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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