I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
