I just cut my nipple shaving
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
