I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
