I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
