Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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