i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
how does that bad decision feel?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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