If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
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I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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