i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
