...so i touched it.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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