My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
two words: eviction party
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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