i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
