stop calling my apartment porn island.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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