they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
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I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
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Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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