remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
