Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
