I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
