well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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