splinters make it hard to masturbate
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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