Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
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I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
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For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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