that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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