Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
