I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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