The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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