Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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