I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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