I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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