did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
