on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
