I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
