he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
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you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
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you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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