So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
