Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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