OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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