I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The power of my boobs compel you
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
