that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
