i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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