well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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