I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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