first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
