I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
