I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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