3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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