I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
