LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
