I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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