the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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