So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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